It’s as if the land I was once crossing lightly and freely gradually turned into a muddy pool. Sometimes I even feel like I’ve ended up in a swamp. My feet get sucked in and getting forward is feeling more and more like a struggle.
There are days which feel like a complete standstill. On these days all I can think of is how I’m going to get forward, how I’m going to get out of this. “Why is this happening to me?”, I wonder. “Is this what I really want?”
The last question strikes me the most since I can’t come up with a clear answer. It feels like the last question is the standstill.
Maybe I don’t have to get out of this situation at all. For all I know getting out might be beside the point. For all I know, being here is what matters most.
But what does this mean? Why do I feel like I’m lost? Why am I struggling against this standstill and what was I heading for in the first place?
I have no idea.
Or perhaps I had one when I took off (although I highly doubt it), but I’ve lost it along the way.
I’m getting the feeling that getting to the point where I am now was what I was actually heading for after all. Like all I’ve written and talked about was supposed to get me to a point where I would have to face my own words, my own writings and my own beliefs.
That point is near.
And you, dear reader, you know it as well as I do (that is, if you’ve read this blog for the past couple of months).
You know that I’ve written about how authentic leadership is not about the right direction, but your direction. How authentic leadership is all about dealing with probability, with likelyhood and how that is related to respecting what you like. How it’s about being true to yourself. About loving yourself and about listening to every sense you have to make sense out of this world. How you’re brave. How being small but truly yourself can actually make you very strong. How it’s about being superbly human rather than about being SuperMan.
I’m feeling small. And I’m not feeling strong.
I’m feeling humble. A bit like I’m getting belittled by Nature.
This is my catharsis.
And I have to admit, I’m scared to take a new path. I’m afraid I’ll be missing the point and most of all I’m afraid that I don’t know where I’ll be going.
What’s worse, I don’t even know where I am right now.
And while my mind and body are telling me to take the time to look at where I am and what I am doing right here right now, to look at what I really want and how I plan to achieve it, think about what will be my first step, I’m putting a hell lot of effort into ignoring that.
No wonder I’m feeling tired. No wonder I can’t think straight. No wonder I don’t enjoy what I’m doing as much as I’d like.
“There’s no need to rush here.” Thank you. Glad you’ve told me.
“But take the time to rest.” Won’t I be too late then?
“You’ll miss being here.” Sorry?
“You’ll be missing the point.” What point?
“I like to call it the point of no return.” Why?
“No mather how hard you try, you’ll never get there again.” OK, I see, so where is that point?
“It’s right here.” Here?
“That’s right.” And why is it here?
“Because it has always been here, it’s always here and it always will be here.” I don’t understand. How come I can’t ever get back here. I know where I am right now. So it’s easy for me to get back as often as I like.
“Is it?” … Euh, well …
“I thought so.” Is there a way to recognize that point you’re talking about?
“Sure, there are many ways.” So what do I have to do to find it?
“What you’re doing now.” And that is?
“Standing still.” Really?
“Well, actually, it’s more about being here.” I think I’m beginning to understand what you are saying.
“Great. Tell me.”
The point of no return you’re talking about, isn’t that the present? I mean, you’ll only get here once and there’s no way you’ll ever return here again, right?
So where am I? And do I know what I’m doing and why I chose to do it? And do I know why I’m chosing to do it right now?
These are some questions I have to think about before I’ll get to the next post.
The answers might change the course of my life.
But then again, doesn’t the course of my life change every single day, every single moment? And if it does, what does that mean? And how much freedom does that give me?